A Broken Hammar
by gatogirl1
Summary: You cannot think of yourself as human. Only a tool. Because to be shinobi and human is too painful...


This episode is the first official time I cried in the Naruto series, when both Haku and Zabuza die. I didn't even cry for Sasuke (actually I stared at my computer in horror/shock and then screamed "NOOOOOOOO!" cuz I was dying to know what happened next, but I wouldn't get to see the next episode for another week or so). But the deaths of these two seemed much sadder than the death of Naruto's teammate. Maybe cuz Sasuke's character hadn't been fully developed yet?? Anywho...  
  
This is dedicated to my older sister, the one I'm currently pissed at cuz she kicked my off the computer (the one with internet) and won't let me back on. And I'm right in the middle of this great fic...!!! You can find it on my favorites page. Maybe you can read it instead of me   
  
But in a fit of seriousness, I wrote this. Cry with me, for Zabuza and Haku.  
  
A Broken Hammer  
  
-by gatogirl1  
  
"I've lost..." Zabuza's once passionate eyes, that moments ago burned with emotion and the will to defeat his opponent, were now lifeless in comparison.  
  
He'd lost more than the fight against the famous Copy-Ninja. Kakashi's kunai, that had destroyed the muscles in his arms, were nothing compared to the daggar-like words that that loud-mouthed student of his had shot towards his heart. The painful words that ironically revived his heart, forced it to face the truth.  
  
It was so much easier seeing themselves as tools- himself, Haku, and indeed all shinobi. It wasn't a title bestowed out of cruelty, but as a blessing, as relief to those in the shinobi lifestyle. As long as they were tools, they didn't have to hate each other. Battles they took part in, that resulted in so many lost lives, weren't personal, because the fighters were just doing as directed. Orders required no personal feelings to carry out.  
  
But Zabuza tried to cling to his tool definition now more than ever. Because...as long as Haku was only a tool, as long as his own heart was nothing more than the wood and steel of a saw and hammer...Haku wouldn't be dead. Couldn't be dead. Because a tool couldn't die; no more than a hammer could die. Because he couldn't think of Haku as dead...  
  
No, he didn't cry over a broken hammer, so why start now? But...  
  
...But...  
  
...if Haku was nothing more than a tool, why did the passioned eyes of this blonde seem so much like an accusation? And if he had nothing to be guilty for, why did the accusation hurt so much?  
  
And...what was this feeling...? Like the slow cracking of ice, the chipping away at the frozen shield of denial. For a moment, Zabuza swore he could hear his internal defenses creak...then shatter away completely. Thaw and spring rushed in, both knowing they were overdue.  
  
"Shut up, kid," Zabuza's eyes glistened from the freshly released waters. The heated darts had taken their toll on his overly hidden heart. Nothing could stop the flow now.  
  
It was funny, he thought, momentarily distracted by abstract thought. It's funny what happens when one's emotions catch up with the conscious, rational mind. It wasn't that he didn't already know and fully understand what the kid was saying. He hadn't lived as long as he had without taking some time to think about some of life's more difficult questions. And he wasn't totally oblivious to his feelings towards his...his...Haku. No matter what tricks his mind tried, a part of him couldn't see the boy as anything more than himself. As just Haku, the boy he'd spent nearly 10 years with, and come to care for. Not just one of his tools he could conveniently dismiss and replace.  
  
But he'd spent more time worrying about what would happen if the two pieces of himself ever came together- if the barrier between his intellectual and empathic collapsed and he was forced to integrate the two. He'd spent so much time making sure that it would never happen. So that the situation now before him would remain an impossibility.  
  
Because if the two sides ever came together, he'd be Whole. Not half a human, a puppet shinobi that acted free of personal emotions and petty problems. He'd be fully human, no longer a tool or the tool's user and owner.  
  
"I've lost." He didn't mean 'I lost the fight' but rather 'I've lost the ability to be just a tool'.  
  
Long ago, he'd realized that Living as a human- and not just a tool, hurt too much.  
  
Splintered eyes that had been dead filled with pain. Alive, but in so much pain. So he let the pain and tears fall.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned the Naruto series, I probably would've tried to find some way to let them all live happily ever after 


End file.
